MISCARRIAGE 1 & 2 HOW EVOLUTION NEEDS TO CATCH UP TO THE MODERN DAY WOMAN
When women say miscarriage is one of the hardest things an expectant mother can go through, I unfortunately 100% relate.
No one can prepare you for the emotional and physical pain of losing a baby. Writing this, I hope to raise more awareness on this painful topic and enable a safe space for affected women to move away from grieving on their own and feeling like they have somewhere to share their traumatic experience. Unfortunately, miscarriages are a lot more common than we think. Once you hit my age - the ripe age of 34 - it's 1 in 3.
I was extremely scared to share my story online, but when I did, I connected with so many women who knew the pain and loneliness of a miscarriage. Sharing is how I deal with things, I have always found communication with those around me to be very cathartic. There was a part of me that was anxious about what people would think of me, holding me back from sharing my very personal story. Would I be judged as it's not something I often hear about.
My first miscarriage was not only emotionally taxing, but soul destroying. Despite it only occurring this year and it now seeming almost like a distant memory, I still remember exactly how I felt and where I was. The fear of going to the toilet is real for most soon-to-be mothers; you are ravaged with anxiety every time you pee (well, at least until you get to 12 weeks then there's some slight relief). But, some of us don't even make it to 12 weeks and the feeling of being a protector is gone.
It started off with light spotting and I remember telling myself “this is normal, this is normal, this is normal”. I wanted to believe that the cramping was just implementation pain and nothing was going wrong. As hours progressed and day turned into night, the pain became worse and the bleeding heavy. I knew in my heart that this was no longer implantation pain and I was experiencing a miscarriage.
My beautiful friend went and picked up my daughter from childcare and allowed me to have space to grieve properly and go through any motions I needed to. That night, I cried for hours. I wrote my rainbow baby a poem and a letter letting the baby know how sad I was that I couldn’t show them this world, how I couldn’t hug them and how I couldn’t protect them. I slept not only with a broken heart that night but also a fractured soul. The next day all I wanted to do was hold onto the child I have, my little 2 year old girl, and hour by hour I started to find moments of gratitude. As the great saying goes, ‘time heals all wounds’ and whilst I never truly believe that part of me will completely heal, I definitely found strength and hope again.
It was time to try again.
Second time miscarriage was very different for me. I was eight weeks and this time around it was physically more challenging than it was emotionally.
Perhaps I was mentally prepared from the months before. I went through the usual telltale pregnancy symptoms - throwing up, feeling tired, I’m sure you know the drill. However, as I reached my 8 week mark I started to spot. My worst nightmare.
This was the night of our company's annual party and I had to deliver a company speech. It was the hardest thing to stand in front of 50 people, people who look up to you, and deliver a motivational speech when on the inside, my heart was breaking. The next morning there was a downpour of bleeding (sorry for the TMI) and cramping pain that felt like labour. Then the following day, an obstetrician confirmed my second miscarriage.
During my appointment, he calmly explained it was my age. Just to remind you all, I’m 34! As we hit our mid 30’s, 1 in 3 women miscarry he explained. My mind was blown! 34. I am 34 and too old to continue growing my family, according to statistics.
If I was only 10 years younger than I am now, or even 5 years, I wouldn’t have these issues but I wasn’t ready. At 24 years of age, I was immature, how could I be a mother? I had no life experience, no income and was in a rocky relationship (mainly because I was so insecure).
It begged the question - HOW HAS EVOLUTION NOT CAUGHT UP TO THE MODERN WOMAN?!
In my 30's however, I'm confident, I'm financially stable, I'm lucky enough to have done lots of self-development and am ready to be a parent. It's so crazy how at our emotional peak, our physical bodies are declining. I hope as we evolve, so do our ovaries and ‘biological clock’ because continuous miscarriages, continuous times of getting our hopes up and so many times of trying and trying - it's too traumatic to endure time and time again.
I'm writing this to create awareness, hold space for women who want to share and be given support. My aim is with enough exposure, our government changes workplace policies and adds miscarriage and stillbirth leave to companies. I respect that this is not something every woman wants to share, I understand your pain and I can assure you, I don’t want to force you to keep reliving these hard times. For women who do want to share, we should not feel like something is wrong with us, that this topic is taboo and sharing is not seen as normal. It is nothing we have done wrong, we should not be judged or feel ashamed.
Sending love to all our rainbow babies, sending love to all the women who experience such sadness, and praying we all get the little miracles we want so badly.
Dedicating this to all the amazing parents who have experienced this heartbreak.
Sending you all my love and prayers.
MK xox